Dear Fat People,

It sucks.

I understand.  I am 6’3, and give or take 345 pounds.  I have been battling my weight since my junior year in high school when I was a star baseball player and I had professional scouts question my weight when I was only 195 pounds, because my father at the time was close to or over 400 pounds.  I currently take medication for hypertension, and though I don’t have any other related diseases or anything, I do believe I have some sleep apnea and I snore like crazy at night.

What I want to do is pen an open letter to all fat people.  It is about high time someone laid down the facts, and talked to each other like we should and have an open line of communication so we can get some clean and clear understanding.

First off, we need to call a spade a spade.  We are fat.  Some of us are overweight.  Some are morbidly obese, or just obese.  By definition, fat is:

adjective

 1.

(of a person or animal) having a large amount of excess flesh.

“the driver was a fat, wheezing man”

synonyms:

plump, stout, overweight, large, chubby, portly, flabby, paunchy, potbellied, beer-bellied, meaty, of ample proportions, heavyset; More

It doesn’t matter to the rest of us of how you go there, or how you ended up fat.  The point is- you’re fat.  I’m fat, you’re fat, just get over the semantics of what we are called for a moment.

I’ve done it countless times before:

“I’m not that fat, I’m just a little bit overweight.”

“It was just holiday weight- I will get it off quickly.”

“I’m fluffy, and just more to love.”

Everyday I scan the internet, and probably at least 2-3 times a week on the front page of various websites there is a feel good story about someone who is “feeling good about the way they look.”  One story I saw had a 400 pound male model.  Another was about a women proud to wear a 2 piece swimsuit at 250 pounds.  Sometimes it is about stretch marks.  It is always somewhere, about something to make us feel good about ourselves.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think we should be happy.  We should be happy with who we are.  But we have to improve.  We cannot expect for the world to change for us, for society to change for us.  We must change for ourselves.  I have put together a list- albeit a more fluid list, but something that we as a fat society need to pull together, recognize, and be able to work on correcting:

1. Place “blame” where it belongs.  It will probably be on us.  Stop complaining about the seats being to small to fit in.  Stop complaining about people saying stupid things are comments within earshot.  Don’t blame department stores, or McDonald’s. Man and woman up and look in the mirror.  Stop blaming genes, or your thyroid, or anything else that is “forcing” you to gain or be fat.

2. Acknowledge that being fat is NOT healthy.  Shit I get tired of that.  “Well, I may be 40 pounds overweight, but I am healthy and love myself so I don’t need to change for anyone.”  You can be happy.  YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY.  When we can admit that, move on and start making the choices that lead to better lives than we will be on the right track.

3.  Give the finger to everything you think you know or have been told to lose weight.  Here is all you fucking need to know: eat less, sleep more, drink more water, move more.  You don’t need pills.  You don’t need prescriptions (for that) change you habits, change your life.  Eat more fruits and veggies.  Don’t eat seconds.  Make the buffet places go extinct.  Get sleep.  Real sleep, like 7-9 hours of sleep.  If you can’t sleep, get it fixed.  Stop drinking shit that YOU KNOW poisons you: alcohol, sodas, etc.  Get your ass up and move!  Walk.  Pick one foot in front of the other, balance yourself and walk!

4.  Get rid of excuses.  We all have them.  Even skinny people.  IT’s ALWAYS something.  Just stop.  IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING.  IT IS ALWAYS YOU!  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop acting like your life is over, because when your life is over.  It is FUCKING over!  If you are reading this, your life IS NOT OVER.  Stop wasting days, and precious time.  START NOW!

 

I have written in journals since I was about 25.  They always said the same things.  ALWAYS.  I haven’t adhered to my own advice.  I acknowledge.  I am not trying to be a fitness instructor or a life coach.  I am struggling just like a lot of us are.  But sorry but someone has to stand up and say some of this shit, and we all have to stand up as a fat society and stop bitching at corporations, or roller coaster makers, or airline seats, or fast food places.  If you want to bitch and complain, go in front of your bathroom mirror, look yourself dead in the eye and then complain.  To my knowledge, no one picks up a knife and fork, and force feeds you shit after shit after shit.

 

I’m out.  I’m going to go for a walk.

Can someone please just cut off my foot?

How much you think a foot weighs anyways?  Maybe 50-100 pounds? 🙂

So it’s been two days (ok maybe less) since my baseball party on the party barge on Lake Travis.  I have been treating my left foot like a momma elephant to her baby, babying this thing like a champ, and you know what?

It still hurts like a motherfucker, lol.

Which does not help because it makes me not want to walk or exercise because of that.  You know, it always seems as if it is something.  I am going to generalize here, but it seems as if fat, overweight, non-healthy (whatever you want to call it)…we always have excuses for why we can’t get over it and make something happen.  No really, it happens to everyone, and I get it, but us fat people need to get over it.  I think I already know what my next post is going to be, and damn, it is going to be good…

Still haven’t kissed my wife in days.  Sucks, but you know what, the fog is starting to clear a little bit in the air I think.  We haven’t fought or said anything stupid the past couple days.  Every morning I try to send her a text, just hoping she has a good day, stuff like that.  Today I thanked her for being a good mom.  During the lake trip she said that we needed to get back to where we were making love and that close, but that it takes time to get back to where we were.  I didn’t take it personal and I didn’t say anything stupid.  It doesn’t matter what I feel or say, if she isn’t feeling anything or isn’t in a good place, I am not going to make her get there.  Which leads me back to me.  I have to take better care of me, make myself feel better about me, so then I can do better for everyone else in my family.  It has to be about me though.

I haven’t figured out my car situation yet.  Waiting to back from my bank, but they didn’t give me approval online, so I can guarantee you that the answer is no, lol.

Still don’t know what I am going to do with that…Something else to put on my plate and figure out how to knock it out.

Well, I still have a essay to write for my Art class due tonight by midnight, mow the yard and figure out shit, but if I don’t pick up the boys from speed and weight camp, they will bitch and moan about it for at least a couple hours (while they are staring at their phones, lol.

Until again, please check in to my next post, its going to be an Anthem.

 

It feels like someone just shot me in the foot!

(Thank you Google Images)

So being fat, and trying to take care of myself lends me to issues that sometimes does not infect the normal people roaming around this earth.  So I have been walking and doing my thing, and then yesterday I spent all day in my sandals.  Note to self: Right now I cannot wear sandals all day, they KILL my feet.  Anyways, because I walked all day in my sandals, and at the end of the night last night, looked down, and DAMN! That is why my heel hurt so bad.  I have like a two inch crack that is horizontal and hurts like hell.  It separated and now it hurts like a bitch, and it makes going on walks, or jogs, impossible…

So of course when things go bad, they ALL go bad.  Yesterday got a call from the shop about my car.  1400 dollars worth of damage that they want to fix on a car that I only paid like 1800 dollars to begin with only 3 months ago.  Figures…My old man said I could borrow his car for a week starting tonight, so I think I am going to try to see what kind of deal I can get on a car with a warranty.  We’ll see…

On a more positive note, my wife and I didn’t fight at all or make snide comments at each other yesterday.  We didn’t hold hands or anything running our errands, but it wasn’t bad at all.  This morning I hugged her a couple times.  She made a comment like “You just trying to push yourself on me huh?”  She was kinda kidding, but I didn’t take personal anything.  I think I said something like, “maybe”.

I guess on another good note, we as a family of four (our daughter is with baby daddy) are going to my younger son’s baseball party on a party barge on Lake Travis today.  It will be good to get with other people, just talk and have a good time while the kids do their thing.  Never been out in one of these boats, but it should be a good time, and Stac and I should be good and be a little more pleasant. (I heard booze sometimes does that to people, lol).  Actually, no, everything has been ok for a couple hours, lol.  I am dying to kiss her, like a real kiss with soft lips and everything, but I am trying to really hold back and not push the issue too much.

We’ll see what happens today, lol

 

Until Again,

Is there an Olympic sport for throwing a cell phone?

(Stock Photo from Google- FYI)

Maybe I am a pussy.  And I say that in the most sincere way.  This morning, Stac got my 8 year daughter on Google Hangouts so that when she is gone for 8 days starting today, we would be able to get in touch with her while she is gone.  So it a nutshell, he is what happened:

1. She sent me a message saying hi Papa! with an emoji of an old man
2. I said a text back with a crying baby, and said “I’m not old, you are a baby”.

Everything was fine.  Until I walked into the bathroom and my wife made a comment that said (and I might be paraphrasing) “You even get offended when Aubrie says something to you.

The fact is I was not offended- I believed we were playing around.  So I finally get frustrated outside when we were talking, and by me getting frustrated, it allows her to get even more upset and chuck her phone into the grass about 10-15 feet away (nothing happened).

She made a comment that I was acting all mopey and everything.  Fuck, of course I am on pins and needs at the house because every time something happens to me, I feel like it comes at me, and I am at fault, or I did something.  So even when I get mad and frustrated, I can’t, and now it is worse, thus, maybe I am pussy.

Sorry, but I am frustrated.  My wife’s biggest complaints about me right now are:

1. She feels she mothers me
2. I don’t take care of myself or my business, thus she has to “mother” me
3. She can’t talk to me because every time someones says something I take offense to it and get defensive.
4. We don’t communicate very well (I don’t tell her what I am doing so that work can become doubled or not done at all.

I don’t know.  Reflective, I guess I have always been with someone and really have never been on my own, so maybe I am, or better words, maybe I don’t know, I’m not sure.  I am trying to take care of me.  It is so damn hard to try to lose weight and not be temped by the foods and choices that have brought me to where I am today- even though I know some of the choices I make might be killing me earlier.  Just today I was walking to the grocery store after just dropping off my car to get worked on, and I walked past a chicken place.  It was 11:30 so I walked in, sat down and ate a friend chicken basket sandwich and a Dr. Pepper.  Nothing in that is good.  I know its not good, and yet, I did it anyways 😦

The reason why I feel like everything is offensive to me is because with her facing her own demons and depression, I know that some of it is directly at me, but most of the time she says its not and just then points the finger to me being easily offended instead of looking at it a different way.

I don’t know.  When life sucks, it really makes it terrible you know?  I guess the only thing I can control is what I can control, and that is me.  Just do me.  I have to change my mindset on that and get that into my mind.

I have a shit ton of homework due by midnight, so I betcha this won’t be my last post today, lol

Until Again,

I want to throw up…

It’s like a roller coaster.

This morning she send me a text.  It wasn’t really an apology text, but it had those tones.  “Sorry I have not been the friendliest, etc”.  It made me feel good you know?  She asks if I wanted to meet at lunch at the HEB so that she could give me some money for gas and groceries.  (She received child support today).  I met her at the grocery store and she asked if I needed gas.  “No, I’m OK” I replied. “I just put in the 7 dollars we had left in the account.”  I thought I was being proactive and nice.

“If I had known that I could’ve stayed at school to finish some projects…Again, no communication,” she replied.

This evening, everything she says ever I take offense to.  There isn’t one thing she can say that I won’t take offense to.  That’s how she feels.  I feel like a double edge sword with no win situation.  Nothing I say I feel is acceptable enough.  Then she silently/non silently rants to herself.  “I’m so done, etc etc etc.”

I feel like a wet dog, outside a house, while it rains.  Looking in through a window, wanting to come in and be with my family, and the door being closed and I have no thumbs to open the door.  It’s just an empty feeling.

It makes my stomach turn and it makes me not want to do anything. I know I am an emotional eater, but luckily we don’t have money until I get paid so that there is nothing I really want to eat here at the house.

I want to throw up.

To be honest I don’t even know where to start.  Fuck, I don’t even know that I am “taking everything personal”.  Matter of fact, I am not sure exactly what I know right now, lol.

I don’t have much today- I’m just finished.

 

I’ll make this short…

So I was able to get out and do a little jog/walking this afternoon.  Before I get to that, let me hit with the stats:

Age:40

Height: 6’3

Weight: 339.8

Neck: 17.5″

Chest: 51″

Belly: 55″

Waist (where my pants sit) 51″

Thigh: 31″

Shit, this reads like a refrigerator, lol.

So anyways, this afternoon I was able tot ake down a couple things at the house, which made me feel a little productive.  I replaced the toilet “refiller” thing in my bedroom.  I know its not tough, but it was funny as shit when I went to take off the hose and some dumbfuck thought it would be funny to have the entire house have to turn all the faucets and everything the opposite direction.  No shit, to turn off the water valve underneath the toilet, you have to turn left.  This is no “righty tighty lefty loosy thing”, lol.  So of course I forgot, and then fir about 5 seconds I have water shooting me in the face until I got it all off.

I also cut a board for my daughters closet so that she has an extra shelf in there- not tough mind you but glad to get it taken care of.

Around 4 I decided to take a jog/walk.  In case you don’t know, I have my timer on my phone and I set it for two minutes, and I walk.  When the timer goes off, I set the timer for 1 minute and then I slowly jog.  For all of yous mathematicians, the generally equates into a 16 minute mile.  I ran 2 miles in 32:04 minutes.  I felt pretty proud of myself, so much so that I took two of my dogs for a 1/2 mile walk after dinner.

I don’t know if “awkward” is the right word- today I am just trying not to talk to Stacy all that much- just letting her do her thing, and me trying to keep my head straight on my thing.  Right now too much talking gets me into trouble I figure, lol.  It sucks, because I am the type of guy that craves that attention from women, or in this case, my wife.  I was one of those younger guys that never created on girls, always had long relationships with women.  Stac is my second wife after my first wife of ten years started cheating on me with the girls basketball coach (at the same school I was coaching baseball!!!)  Even then did I think I was going to try to “win her back”.  I haven’t gotten that stupid anymore, and I am way happier now then I was then, but I’m not going to lie to you, this shit sucks right now…

 

I am glad I took my measurements.  I don’t know what typical measurements for a 200 pound dude are, but if I got to rub a lamp and make a wish, 199 is where I would want to be 🙂

 

More Morrow,

This is some serious shit here!

“Depression begins with disappointment. When disappointment festers in our soul, it leads to discouragement.”

I’m sorry.

If you haven’t figured it by now, I type how I feel.  I could probably never write a book if I wanted; most of the time I rarely go back and look back to see if I have made stupid errors or had a redundant word here or there.  I type how I feel, like the words that are coming out of my heart and mouth and I just go with it.  No proofreading, sometimes swear or cussing words- it is what it is, and if that offends you- I really am sorry that you get offended by “bad” words here or there.

To be honest, about 99% of the time when I write here I am writing to an audience of 1- me.  More of a reflective journal if you will.  But I realize that there is many more people out there exactly like myself in my same situation and like me they have no idea where to turn to to seek a refuge.  Maybe you don’t have the money.  Maybe you have a shit ton of money and no one to actually listen to you.  Maybe you just like the voyeurism of watching someone else in their day to day struggles.  It really doesn’t matter to me either way, because non of the shit I say is trying to grab “views” or readers.  It is all factual stuff that is coming straight from my heart, and sometimes my head 🙂

Felt shitty this morning- my son has “speed and weight” camp at his school today.  Speed and weight is exactly what it sounds like for high school athletes to help get them ready for the fall.  They lift, they run, they basically work their ass off for 90 minutes.  Anyways, about two days ago my car’s power steering started to fade, and I realized that I need to take it in because I have a leak.  In addition I have barely enough gas.  So this morning I had to ask my son for 5 bucks so that I made sure I had enough gas and some power steering fluid in my car that I didn’t damage my car so that I could get him to and from camp.  He had it of course, but I still feel like an ass having to ask my kids for some money.  I don’t do it much, but it feels shitty every time I do.

Right now Stacy is a full time student.  I’m fucking proud of her.  No one in her family has a college education.  Over the past four years we have had to pinch and save and sometimes ate burritos for dinner (flour tortillas and refried beans) or Ramen soup.  I am super proud of her and she has about 12 months before she will actually starting to get paid to teach.

I am a middle school coach and teacher.  Why that is important is that I only get paid once a month at the end of the month.  Even after spending the past 12 years teaching, I still don’t manage my money good when it comes to making sure my bills are paid exactly on time.

Last night was hard.  Stacy told me that her issues were her issues and that I couldn’t help her out because I would get offended (because some of the things revolve around me).  I left the discussion/fight when she told me she was done, and that “of course she has thought about killing herself” but she isn’t stupid enough to do it and wreck her family.  My point was that we are married and should be able to help each other through hard times, but I suppose she just feels that because I would get upset and offended I can’t actually help.  Shit, I have probably proven that right now I would get offended, but how can you not when you get called names or talked down upon?  I try not to take it personal, but I’m human I guess.

My mind gets filled with about a million different things, and it is hard for me to sort them out sometimes.  I keep trying to tell myself to just concentrate on my self and get myself feeling better.  It is a good notion, but this morning when I went to a cafe to wait in my son, I had a black coffee, but I had a coupon for a free pastry, so I downed a cinnamon roll, which I know for a fact is a terrible choice!  When I get home i am going to weigh myself and do all my measurements and tonight I will publish those so that I have a record and everyone else can see what I am working with.

My goals today are to fix the toilet (I already bought the part) and put a shelf in my daughters closet (just need to cut it).  I want to go for a walk or jog, but the rain might have something to do with that.  Can’t complain too much though- I will take rain during Texas summers anytime I can get it.

Until Again,

So this is what this feels like…

“I really want to be happy, but there’s something inside me that screams, “You don’t deserve it”.

The best I can describe it right now is like a fog, or a haze.  Like you’re in a car driving through a fog or haze, and you try to use your windshield wipers and they don’t do a thing.  You turn on your lights, and they don’t do anything.  Just a perpetual haze.

I went to bed last night with a good plan.  I wanted to go for a jog, get sweaty and then get to the house and while sweaty still do some crunches and some small ab workout.

Shit, I even woke up and got dressed in the same clothes as I did the night before to help inspire me to do what I wanted to do.  But then I woke up, got dressed, and realized it was raining.  Not hard, but certainly hard enough to convince me not to go jog walking.

I slept in our bed last night.  First thing I hear from my wife? “I don’t know even why I try to sleep- its the worst part of my day.  If I apologize for my snoring she will say I can’t help it, and sometimes she will get onto me because I think it is always about me.  Tonight I tell her I am going to air up the air mattress and sleep in the living room for her.  She says, ” For me huh?” in the condescending voice.

I love my wife.  I know she loves me, but the stress of not having money, the stress of her school work everyday this summer, it is just killing me, and she never seems happy.  She says she has been able to go to the schools counselors for free and that helps, but it hasn’t certainly helped us.  It’s almost like we are pretty good when text, but when we are in the house right now and together it is ALWAYS something.

It fucking breaks my heart.  Last time she “pushed away” a little it was because I wasn’t loving myself enough, I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I don’t even think she thinks like that at this very moment, but who the fuck knows.  Haven’t had sex in weeks, because again a combination of she does not find me sexually attractive right now and the fact that she definitely is in a bad place of her own and doesn’t want to do anything like that at all.  No opening up, no nothing.

So for me it is difficult to come out of this haze.  Even when to try to concentrate on just myself I find it very hard, like it comes and goes for a short amount of time, and then, BOOM, right back into it.

I wish I had answers.

Holy Shit, it was how long?!?

So I got to be honest- I almost pissed myself tonight…Literally, about 10 minutes ago.  So I was in the backyard, and we have a couple large decks.  My dogs were out, just chilling- in fact, my orange Shepard mix I was all mad at because she went and killed a brown little rabbit tonight.  As I was sitting jamming on my ukulele, I heard what I thought was my sprinklers, but quickly realized that I didn’t have my water on.  Freaking bug ass rattlesnake under my freaking deck!  Worse case was that I saw it move and then it hissed at my wife as well before we got further back.  We have only lived in this house for maybe a week.  You got to be shitting me.  And I’m not a complainer, but when you are talking about the last week before you get paid for a teacher?  It fucking sucks and you ain’t got no money, lol.  I am going to give them a check tomorrow and say, “Hey Bud, do you mind sitting on that check until Friday?” lol.

Apparently there are some free locator services, but my ass has to wait until tomorrow now when it is bright outside.  I have to say though- scared the shit out of me.  I can do rats, mice, etc, but big ass snakes…Oh HELL Naw!

Father’s day was nice- its really just another day in my book, so no real harm or foul I guess.  We went to church for the first time in a long time which is a semi hard thing to do because as a family we differ on what church to go to. I have one favorite one that I like to go to; my wife doesn’t like the huge churches.  I totally see her side on it too, I hate the tiny small churches that have congregations that the median age is somewhere between “Do you eat jello every day,” and “How do you make it out of bed?”.

I also went for a 2 mile walk today.  I used to be able to go walking for 3,4,5 miles at a time, but not right now.  I am going to weigh myself tomorrow and get all my stats as far as inches so I at least I have a basis to start with.  We’ll see.  I also want to start going back to my regular doctor but to do that I feel like I am going to have go back and grovel a little at his feet, lol.

Tomorrow is going to be a cluster: Take my one son to speed and weight camp in the morning; then take my other son to the doctor so that he can get looked at.  I don’t have an appointment, so I figure it will be a couple hours, smh.  All this plus try to get someone to come to the house and take the snake away…and Stac is not feeling it because she has a shitload of homework during the summer… Man it is going to be a long week…

Until Again,

Joe

 

Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do.  I mean, you know what you should be doing, but you just don’t want to do it.  You ever see cows just wandering around?  They are not eating, really not doing anything.  I have never been actually diagnosed with depression, but if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck…

This morning I was able to get on my feet and walk 1.5 miles around our new neighborhood.  Neither my wife and I really want to be here, but it is what it is right now.  We are trying to save up to build a house in an area we want to live.  Long story short, her family lived in this house for over 25 years.  Then unfortunately, a couple years ago, her father died of brain cancer. (in the house as well!)  Her mom ended up moving up north to go back to school and thus her house had been sitting there empty.  Stac’s other sister lived in in briefly, and she totally run down the place, not really caring.  We loved living on the other side of town, but the thought of not having a mortgage payment was something too much to overcome, so here we are.  I have so many stressors right now coming from every direction, and sometimes it is hard just to put on a happy face.  I think what I need to do is to just concentrate on me, and no one else.  I want to get healthier and skinnier.  I already am worried about my health going into the future, and scared shitless over the bad possibilities.

I’m not sure we as people take our health for what it is worth.  We assume everything is going to be alright.  Well, I tell you, a couple days this past month I woke up to what felt like RA in my hands.  My mom has RA, and all I could think of was I am getting an auto immune disease, something that has no cure and that kills people up to 15 years early.  I didn’t get it checked out and my hands are starting to feel better, but that is just one example.

In one of my classes my wife is taking right now she is learning about how to teach kids with disabilities.  We have known that her oldest (just turned 15) has ADD/ADHD.  She was crying this morning saying that she realized that she has been parenting him wrong for all this time.  Another stressor I have his my relationship with my stepson.  Shit, he calls me dad, and I have known him since he was 8.  His other dad is in the picture, but just way on the edges, just enough to piss off my stepson and get him in a bad mood when they talk to each other.  Our relationship is that of a roller coaster; sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes makes you want to throw up.  Actually I am sure that it probably is about 99% of a typical relationship.  But to where he has a learning disability, my son (just turned 15 as well,) is the prototypical “good” kid, making good grades, plays baseball and football, never gets into trouble.

Anyways Joel comes back from church camp today, so I need to make sure I am much more open-minded when he comes back, because I don’t want Stac to put up her “shield” as we call it each other, lol.

So man, family issues, relationship issues, no sex issues, parent issues, and most importantly health issues.  You got to be fucking kidding me.  To me that is too much to try to tackle at the same time.  No wonder I feel like that cow in that pasture.

Tonight we are going to go watch a Minor-League baseball game, so my goal is just to enjoy the night, not talk about anything in too depth, and try just to have fun.

 

Until Again,

Joe