So this is what this feels like…

“I really want to be happy, but there’s something inside me that screams, “You don’t deserve it”.

The best I can describe it right now is like a fog, or a haze.  Like you’re in a car driving through a fog or haze, and you try to use your windshield wipers and they don’t do a thing.  You turn on your lights, and they don’t do anything.  Just a perpetual haze.

I went to bed last night with a good plan.  I wanted to go for a jog, get sweaty and then get to the house and while sweaty still do some crunches and some small ab workout.

Shit, I even woke up and got dressed in the same clothes as I did the night before to help inspire me to do what I wanted to do.  But then I woke up, got dressed, and realized it was raining.  Not hard, but certainly hard enough to convince me not to go jog walking.

I slept in our bed last night.  First thing I hear from my wife? “I don’t know even why I try to sleep- its the worst part of my day.  If I apologize for my snoring she will say I can’t help it, and sometimes she will get onto me because I think it is always about me.  Tonight I tell her I am going to air up the air mattress and sleep in the living room for her.  She says, ” For me huh?” in the condescending voice.

I love my wife.  I know she loves me, but the stress of not having money, the stress of her school work everyday this summer, it is just killing me, and she never seems happy.  She says she has been able to go to the schools counselors for free and that helps, but it hasn’t certainly helped us.  It’s almost like we are pretty good when text, but when we are in the house right now and together it is ALWAYS something.

It fucking breaks my heart.  Last time she “pushed away” a little it was because I wasn’t loving myself enough, I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I don’t even think she thinks like that at this very moment, but who the fuck knows.  Haven’t had sex in weeks, because again a combination of she does not find me sexually attractive right now and the fact that she definitely is in a bad place of her own and doesn’t want to do anything like that at all.  No opening up, no nothing.

So for me it is difficult to come out of this haze.  Even when to try to concentrate on just myself I find it very hard, like it comes and goes for a short amount of time, and then, BOOM, right back into it.

I wish I had answers.