“I’m just not sexually attracted to you right now.”

Hello.

Sometimes, I close my eyes, and dream of the way I want to be.  I will look at other men, and critique them, wondering to myself if they feel what I feel, or is it just me.  I mean, I know it’s not just me, but still it hurts not knowing and thinking I am alone.

In April, I turned 40.  40 years old.  Metrics say I am just approaching half my life being gone.  Other metrics say I only have about 20 years left in my life.  The truth of the matter is, choices I have made over the past 40 years have out me in this spot.  There is no other way around it- I am depressed, morbidly obese, and though I know how exactly how to get where I want to go, I cannot start the engine and get it to go.

This first post is not supposed to be an epic journey quest in one blog, where you cam here hoping to get some insight, some help, maybe some light reading.  I could surely make this first blog my last, stay up all night while I write it, and then fall asleep after I have typed 20,000 words.

No, I am going to try to make this blog for all my ADHD friends out there.  I want to keep your attention, highlight one thing in each blog, and keep going.  So before we go any further, I want to give you the stats:

• This is me (on the left you moron!)  It is the closest thing I have on my PC, but I will try to get another more recent one before too long.  This picture was taken curing Christmas time, in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada.  I live in Austin, Texas.  You wonder why we are some bundled up, lol
• I just weighed myself this morning, and my fitbit Aria with brand new batteries said I was 342.8
• I want to be 200 pounds
• I don’t have the money for gastro whatever surgery.
• I have a beautiful wife (on the right) along with an assortment of children.  We are a blended family, so of course I brought two (technically one since my daughter lives her mom), and she brought two into the relationship.  We are very lucky because all kids have hit it off.
• We have been married since December 2011

One of the reasons I am so heavily vested this time is a text message I got from my wife just yesterday.  To set the scene, she has been taking 15-18 hours of school for the past 3 years in order to graduate and become a teacher.  She is totally stressed, going to graduate this December, and then has to do her student teaching in the Spring.  We have have zero money (I am a coach/teacher at a local middle school), but sometimes when we have a little we think we are like billionaires and we make poor choices and decisions, lol.

So I get the text, and in one of her lines it says this,

“I am just not sexually attracted to you right now.  I am not attracted to anyone…”

My heart broke, my heart cracked, I was depressed and sad.

But shit, look at me, how can anyone be sexually attracted to me?

 

I don’t have money for a therapist- this is my therapy.  I normally have a fetish for notebooks and journals, sketch pads, etc.  But to be honest my head is going to fast for my hands to write down on a letter, so Word Press it is.  I hope you follow me.  I hope you give me comments.  I hope you help me become a millionaire. (jokes, I don’t even know how that shit works, lol)

I hope you bookmark this and come back.  I am going to be adding a shit ton of stuff here now that I have the time.  My first goal is to get my wife attracted me me again, but something tells me that shouldn’t be the first thing.

 

Until Again,

 

Joe