This is some serious shit here!

“Depression begins with disappointment. When disappointment festers in our soul, it leads to discouragement.”

I’m sorry.

If you haven’t figured it by now, I type how I feel.  I could probably never write a book if I wanted; most of the time I rarely go back and look back to see if I have made stupid errors or had a redundant word here or there.  I type how I feel, like the words that are coming out of my heart and mouth and I just go with it.  No proofreading, sometimes swear or cussing words- it is what it is, and if that offends you- I really am sorry that you get offended by “bad” words here or there.

To be honest, about 99% of the time when I write here I am writing to an audience of 1- me.  More of a reflective journal if you will.  But I realize that there is many more people out there exactly like myself in my same situation and like me they have no idea where to turn to to seek a refuge.  Maybe you don’t have the money.  Maybe you have a shit ton of money and no one to actually listen to you.  Maybe you just like the voyeurism of watching someone else in their day to day struggles.  It really doesn’t matter to me either way, because non of the shit I say is trying to grab “views” or readers.  It is all factual stuff that is coming straight from my heart, and sometimes my head 🙂

Felt shitty this morning- my son has “speed and weight” camp at his school today.  Speed and weight is exactly what it sounds like for high school athletes to help get them ready for the fall.  They lift, they run, they basically work their ass off for 90 minutes.  Anyways, about two days ago my car’s power steering started to fade, and I realized that I need to take it in because I have a leak.  In addition I have barely enough gas.  So this morning I had to ask my son for 5 bucks so that I made sure I had enough gas and some power steering fluid in my car that I didn’t damage my car so that I could get him to and from camp.  He had it of course, but I still feel like an ass having to ask my kids for some money.  I don’t do it much, but it feels shitty every time I do.

Right now Stacy is a full time student.  I’m fucking proud of her.  No one in her family has a college education.  Over the past four years we have had to pinch and save and sometimes ate burritos for dinner (flour tortillas and refried beans) or Ramen soup.  I am super proud of her and she has about 12 months before she will actually starting to get paid to teach.

I am a middle school coach and teacher.  Why that is important is that I only get paid once a month at the end of the month.  Even after spending the past 12 years teaching, I still don’t manage my money good when it comes to making sure my bills are paid exactly on time.

Last night was hard.  Stacy told me that her issues were her issues and that I couldn’t help her out because I would get offended (because some of the things revolve around me).  I left the discussion/fight when she told me she was done, and that “of course she has thought about killing herself” but she isn’t stupid enough to do it and wreck her family.  My point was that we are married and should be able to help each other through hard times, but I suppose she just feels that because I would get upset and offended I can’t actually help.  Shit, I have probably proven that right now I would get offended, but how can you not when you get called names or talked down upon?  I try not to take it personal, but I’m human I guess.

My mind gets filled with about a million different things, and it is hard for me to sort them out sometimes.  I keep trying to tell myself to just concentrate on my self and get myself feeling better.  It is a good notion, but this morning when I went to a cafe to wait in my son, I had a black coffee, but I had a coupon for a free pastry, so I downed a cinnamon roll, which I know for a fact is a terrible choice!  When I get home i am going to weigh myself and do all my measurements and tonight I will publish those so that I have a record and everyone else can see what I am working with.

My goals today are to fix the toilet (I already bought the part) and put a shelf in my daughters closet (just need to cut it).  I want to go for a walk or jog, but the rain might have something to do with that.  Can’t complain too much though- I will take rain during Texas summers anytime I can get it.

Until Again,